Masking for empathy's sake.

I think I may have underestimated how complex masking can manifest. I certainly didn't grasp how important it is to my daily life. I dont see masking as negative instead I imagine it like a masquerade ball. I use emotional proximity to determine when it should be irrelevant to avoid the other picture in my head of the poem Masks by Shel Silverstein. That’s why I’ve always told myself not to lean into masking, instead seek authenticity even if it is evolving for me.

The past couple of weeks have been high-stress. A lot of anxiety, mostly tied to work dynamics and relationships.

I genuinely LOVE the team of spicy characters I work with daily, they are a breath of fresh air from experiences. There’s a chef’s kiss blend of personalities and skills that intuitively encourages each of us to thrive. Sure, there are anomalies, any new group has them, but there’s also communication, compassion, curiosity, and trust. It’s visible. It’s felt. Often.

Even if a traumatized part of me fears I’m blind to some paranoid drama, the answer is “this experience is real to me here and now, thats unalterable regardless of fantasy of trauma.

The hard part has come from more external elements. I was recently accused of disrespecting another staff member. I’ve asked for clear, specific examples, but the feedback seems to exist more in interpretation than in plain language.

I even had Mandi read the same exchange. Afterward, she told me I was crossing that line. When I asked her to point out what exactly crossed the line, she gave a response similar to my manager's: something vague, a sort of felt sense that doesn’t hold up under close reading.

The thing is, this isn't an incident. There are three separate situations that have occurred in a short span of time. So there is something I'm doing to contribute to these conceptualized conflict.

I’m not attempting to be defensive about messing up. I know I’ll screw up I want them to be minor tho. To do that I need to understand how it happened so I can make better choices next time. Current there aren't any I can measure against.

Without clarity, my brain kicks into overdrive. I start scrutinizing every tiny detail, looking for something I already know I’m not wired to detect. It’s exhausting. And it leaves me with almost no capacity to be what people expect: “normal Joseph.”

I become caught in the over-analysis. I feel the absurdity of it. The frustration of grasping at nonsensical or complicated evidence. Meanwhile, I notice my face refusing to show emotion, almost like it’s on lockdown. These are all separate experiences, but they happen at the same time, layered over each other.

I’ve learned how to quiet this storm, usually by isolating myself and stuffing all the logical gaps with mental duct tape until the obsession lets go. When it finally does, and I replay things in my mind, this time I start to notice something, an unnoticed relationship between empathy and masking.

I sense people’s emotions more than I care to admit. It sounds ridiculous even to me. But on a good day, I can shield myself somewhat. On most days, unless the person is one of a few specific “types,” I end up feeling what they’re feeling. Whether it’s happening in the moment or something they’re just recalling subconsciously.

Masking, for me, isn’t just about hiding my vulnerability. It’s also about projecting the emotions I want others to respond with. Maybe it’s more of a dance--a co-regulation. My voice, demeanor, attitude, even my walk? Yes, all of it can become part of the mask. It’s a way of saying, “Feel this, so I can feel that.”

Is that manipulation? Maybe technically. But the spirit of it isn’t malicious, it’s cooperative. At least, that’s how it feels to me.

Some people are immune to my masks. They don’t respond at all unless there's a deeper, established connection. I used to think that meant incompatibility, but I’m beginning to see it as a trauma response instead.

But what do I know? My understanding of the world seems to shift every few months anyway. Who knows, maybe next week I’ll realize it’s all just water monsters.

How about you? Do you mask? Are you a chronic empathizer? Or do parts of you seem to ignore the rest of you entirely?

Tell me—I’m curious.